Miscarriage #1

We decided to start trying to have a baby a couple of months after our wedding. I remember it clearly. Valentine's Day 2006. After a lot of discussion we had decided that we would start trying for a baby. My husband had wanted to have at least 2 years by ourselves before we had children but I wanted to be a mom so badly that he agreed that we could start sooner.

It took us 5 months to get pregnant with our first baby. I remember thinking- "what is taking so long?" Little did I know that 5 months of trying was nothing in the grand scheme of things. Many couples try for years before they finally get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant the week of the 4th of July. July 7th to be exact. I was so surprised and shocked and excited. I couldn't wait to tell my husband. He was on the phone when he walked in the door and I just handed him the home pregnancy test. I think his reaction was "already? We got pregnant already?" but he was happy. We decided to tell our close friends at dinner that night. Immediately I felt different. It's amazing how just looking at a positive pregnancy test can change your whole world. So many emotions and feelings run through you. Dreams flash before your eyes of the future you are going to have with this little one that is finally on his or her way.

We thought we would wait for the official word from the doctors before telling anyone else but we couldn't resist. So we told my parents that weekend. We even had thought of a creative way to tell them. A couple of months before we had found these little coins that said Grandma and Grandpa on them. So- when the time came, we gave them the coins. They didn't get it at first but then the light bulb went on and they were excited. My mom and I went and bought the book "What to Expect When You are Expecting" and my husband and dad went out and did "guy stuff." It was such a happy day. We were already talking about possible names and thinking about the nursery.

I went in for my exam at the Dr. and everything looked great and they confirmed the pregnancy. That was a Friday. The following Monday morning I got ready for work and noticed that when I went to the bathroom I had started spotting. My heart immediately sank as I knew this was not supposed to happen. When I called the Dr. they said not to worry about it and said that it was normal since I had just had an exam and to call if I had cramps or if it got worse. So I went on to work and everything was fine for the next couple of days. As the weeks went by I would start spotting again off and on which really scared me. (I'll spare everyone the details) Every time I would call I would get the same old, "it's normal. You are fine. Just wait until your 10 week appointment." The morning of my 10 week appointment I knew I wasn't going to get good news. The spotting had become more and more and I knew this wasn't a good sign. The nurse practitioner came in and did an ultrasound and determined that at 10 1/2 weeks she should be able to see a baby and a heartbeat. All she saw was an empty sac. I was having a miscarriage called a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum is when the sac forms the but the baby does not.

My eyes filled with tears as she gave us the news and my husband just held my hand tightly trying to do what he could to console me. They came in and did blood work and told me that I would miscarry in the next couple of days. I was told that when I felt like the pain was too much and I couldn't take it any longer, to just wait it out for a couple of hours and then everything would be over. Nice advice huh?

So we had to let everyone know the bad news. I remember my mom telling me on the phone how sorry she was. I felt so bad. I felt like I had let everyone down. That I had let me baby down.

That Sunday I began to pass the everything. I will spare the details as they are graphic but the pain I felt was indescribable. I can only compare it to what I think giving birth would feel like. Only when you give birth, you have this beautiful baby in your arms and the memories of the pain melt away. (so I have been told) Shortly after my miscarriage was complete we found out that my husband's grandfather was in the hospital and that we needed to go say good-bye as his prognosis wasn't looking good so we headed up to Heber. I welcomed the trip because it was a way to get away from everything happening back home. I had just wished it was under better circumstances.

It's interesting to see who comes around and who talks to you when they find out you have just lost a pregnancy. Some don't know what to say, some send flowers, some try to reassure you that you can try again, some disappear off the face of the earth. I think my greatest comfort was my 9 month pregnant best friend Rhea. She called before coming over because she wasn't sure if seeing her pregnant would make things worse. For some reason it didn't. Maybe it is because although we had been pregnant at the same time she was far into her pregnancy when I had just found out about mine. I don't know.

The depression and sadness I felt was extreme. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling even worse because not only was a tired from the crying but I was reminded that I had lost a baby. I kept wondering why? Why did this happen? It's just not fair! Another emotion also filled me though. I was also filled with hope because I knew that I could try again and that I would. I knew that miscarriages were common and that I had a good chance that the next time things would work out. I still mourned the loss of that baby but I had a new hope for the future.