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Thursday, March 5, 2009

How do I move forward?

Distraught doesn't even cover how I felt after my 3rd loss. At that point I was so tired of getting my hopes up and then having my dreams smashed in front of me before my very eyes. I had not known anyone that had gone through 3 losses in a row. What was wrong with me? I would ask myself that everyday. Some days I would just go to the bathroom and cry my eyes out begging and pleading for God to let me keep just one baby.

The Monday after I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant I spent the majority of my day under my desk, in my office, just crying on the phone to one of my sorority sisters. It just wasn't fair. How come everyone around me was able to carry a baby to term and I couldn't. I wish I knew the answer to that question but to this day I just don't know.

The saddness and emptiness you feel after losing a baby is unmeasurable but to lose 3 babies just plan hurts right down to the core. The hardest part is that no one around you understands your pain. They just don't get it. They don't understand that although no one saw that baby in the living world (besides on a screen) that baby was a part of you that you have lost.

I think one of the hardest things for me was when a relative of my husband's saw me at a wedding just days after my D&C. I still had some baby weight on me and a little belly and she asked me "do we have a bun in the oven?" I just burst into tears and cried saying, "no, we just lost our baby this week." Her response? "Oh you can always have another one." I don't think she realized this was my 3rd loss and she felt horrible after the fact but boy was that a hard one to handle.

So after I lost the 3rd baby I was faced with a descision. What do I do now? How do I move forward. Not "How do I move on" but "how do I move forward?" I will never "move on" because those losses will always be with me but I can "move forward" and continue on with my life. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well- when all is said and done I better be one of the strongest women in the world!! Not really but you get the point.

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