When I received the invite to my sister-in-law's baby shower I couldn't even bring myself to open it. It hurt too much. I was supposed to have our son by then. I was supposed to be excited to attend the shower for my soon-to-be nephew and be excited for him to meet his baby cousin that would have been born just 2 months prior. I knew in my heart there was no way I could go. I also knew that the rest of my family probably wouldn't understand why.
I had a friend of mine help me with the gift. I have this thing where I have to personalize everything when I give gifts so I had 3 onies embroidered with the baby's initials, a bib, a bag, and a wooden letter with his name on it. I wrote a letter to my SIL (sister-in-law) but decided that I should just tell her in person why I couldn't go. The day I invited her over I was so nervous. My heart was pounding. I could feel it in my chest. I knew it would hurt to tell her I couldn't attend her shower. I knew it would hurt to see her pregnant. I knew it would hurt, but I also knew I had to face this head on.
She came over and I started to read the letter to her but couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face. I just handed her the letter and once she was done we talked and I gave her the presents. I felt so much better after that although I still felt filled with sadness and what should have been one of the happiest times in my life. I should have been having a baby shower or inviting friends to come over and see our new son but instead I was mourning the loss still and disappointed from a recent failed medicated cycle.
The day my nephew was born was a hard one. I was so happy for my BIL and SIL but it still hurt to know that I wouldn't get to experience the labor pains, the visits in the hospital, the pictures being taken, the excitement and the joy. God I wanted that so badly.I couldn't bare to go to the hospital. It was just too much.
About a week after my nephew was born I had this strange feeling as I was driving to Walgreen's that I would run into my BIL and SIL and new nephew. Ironically, after I had that exact thought, I turned in and there they were! So I took a deep breath and hopped in the back of the truck and held my nephew for the first time. He was beautiful. What a cutie. I just held him, trying to keep my mind off of thinking how my baby boy should have been just about 2 months older than him. I had all of these day dreams about them playing together and us taking family photos but none of that would be for my husband and I.
As I drove away I felt a lot better that I had seen my nephew for the first time and faced the fears I had felt leading up too that day but I also knew that I needed to keep my distance as well. There would be nights that I would lay in bed and think about all of the wonderful new things my BIL and SIL were getting to experience and it would just bring tears to my eyes. I wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby. I wanted to change diapers and warm up bottles of formula. I wanted all of that so badly. I often wondered- why not me too? It just didn't make sense. I had lost 3 babies and everyone else I knew had gotten pregnant and carried to term on the first shot. It just wasn't fair, but this was my reality.