Miscarriage #8

Well, they called with my numbers this morning and it was a whopping 17. I've never had a first HCG blood draw that low before. Obviously this is bad since they want it to be above 50 for the first blood draw (another chemical pregnancy).  I'm actually kind of relieved for the simple fact that I can move on and try again next month if I feel up to it.  At first I had wavering feelings.  How much longer can I continue to put myself and my husband through this emotional roller coaster?  But then I thought, "I can't go out like this!  It wasn't even planned!"  I want my last shot to be one that I am prepped and ready for.  One where I know that I gave it my all. So 2011 it is.  Ironically 2011 is The Year of the Rabbit and well you know the saying, "Reproduce like Rabbits!" I'm probably looking way too much into that one.  At any rate I'm moving on and moving forward. 

See ya 2010!  Can't say I will miss you all that much.  It's been a rough year.

Pregnancy # 8

Well, I am pregnant again but already having spotting so I'm not very hopeful. I was planning on waiting until next month to give it a go. I only took the test this morning because I wanted to ensure it was a negative because I have been taking topical (OTC) progesterone. I literally gasped when it turned positive. Went for bloodwork yesterday but I won't know anything until later this morning. Ugh I am so not ready to go through this again :( I wanted to have all of my ducks in a row before trying this time. I ate horrible, drank coffee, missed an acupucuture sesssion. We honeslty didn't even try and were trying to be very careful. I would be estastic if I knew I was going to get my happy ending but everytime it ends the same. :( I can't believe this is pregnancy number 8 for me. I've been pregnant 8 times in 5 years and had 0 live births.


I have a feeling this is another chemical though since I have had spotting all week. I'm on CD 26 and ovulated early. (CD 10) which leads me to believe the egg wasn't ready even though it released. I was really hoping to start off the New Year fresh. :'( I'm so depressed and bummed right now. I feel like a slave to my own body.

On a Good Day

Today I woke up with a feeling of total saddness. I don't know what brought it on.  Was it watching my month old nephew yesterday?  Was it the millions of pregnancy/birth annoucements I keep hearing?  Is it because this is the last month of "Taking a Break" before we start trying again and I am deathly afraid of losing pregnancy number 8 when we start trying again in 2011?  So many things are running through my mind. I've worked so hard but I still feel like I'm not doing enough.  It's all so overwhelming and I am exhausted.  I started losing hope that I will ever carry to term and give birth and needed a good friend to help talk me down from the ledge. I don't know how she does it but some how she puts that hope and fight back in me when I feel like I am about to give up.  I was on Facebook and my husband's cousin posted this song.  It totally spoke to me.  Below are the lyrics and the youtube video.  It's a very relaxing song that puts me at ease for some reason.

Oceanlab- On a Good Day

Little bit lost and...A little bit lonely

Little bit cold here

A little bit feared

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

And it feels like me

On a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in

A little bit isolated

A little bit hopeful

A little bit cold

But I hold on

And I

Feel strong

And I

Know that I can

Getting used to it

Lit the fuse to it

Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter...

And it feels like me

On a good day

Been talking to myself forever, yeah

And how I wish I knew me better, yeah

Still sitting on a shelf and never

Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me

On a good day

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views." -UNKNOWN

"Life is full of winding roads. It's up to you to choose. The flat lands may be easier to take but the hills... they have more views."

-UNKNOWN

Today I went and saw a new therapist that specializes in helping those cope with pregnancy loss.  She got me thinking about a lot of things.  How I can feel 2 different things at the same time.  Like when a friend tells me she is pregnant.  It's okay to feel happy for her but also sad or jealous because I want that too.  The whole fertility journey is filled with mixed emotions and all sorts of feelings happening at the same time.  She had a good point, when I do carry to term and give birth I am still going to have a mixture of feelings.  I will probably never get over my losses but it will get easier.

I did a lot of crying and got a lot off my chest .  I go again in 2 weeks.  I really liked her office.  In the bathroom she had all sorts of pictures with quotes on them.  The quote above is one that stood out to me so I took a picture of it with my phone so I would remember it. 

Today I felt extra excited to pick Kayla up from daycare.  I know how lucky and blessed I am to have her but today I felt it even more.  I need to focus on the wonderful things I do have instead of the things I don't.  I know I know easier said than done.

Tomorrow is acupuncture.  Have to go pick up more wheatgrass too.  Ugh, sometimes this whole thing is so exhausting but I still have to keep pushing forward.

A Huge Milestone for Me Today

Today I am thankful for having the courage to do something I thought I wouldn't be able to do.



I visited my best friend in the hospital to meet her new baby boy. We were pregnant at the same time but I miscarried again so it was a hard thing for me to go see her knowing I should be where she is in 8 weeks. I haven't been to a hospital to visit any babies since her first son was born 4 years ago (before all of my pregnancy losses) so it was a huge milestone for me.    My next goal is to finally attend a baby shower again but I'm just not sure if I am ready for that yet.  We will see.  One step at a time I suppose.

Seeing baby Braxton was amazing.  I held him and fed him.  Touched his little tiny fingers and toes.  I just wanted to stay there all day.  I tried to leave several times but I kept coming up with things to talk about so I could hold him just a little longer.  I wanted so badly for that to be me in the hospital bed caring for a baby I just gave birth to and have visitors come to see the miracle I helped create.  Instead I walked out passed the nursery, passed a pregnant woman walking down the hall trying to induce labor, out the door and drove back to my home office to deal with computer and work issues. 

I still believe it is going to happen for me.  I know I can do this.  I just have to keep the faith, keep up with acupuncture, herbs, wheat grass shots, eating healthy, etc.  Why would God put this determination and willingness to keep going in me if he wasn't going to fulfill this dream?  He already answered one of my prayers.  I am a mama and for that I am truly thankful.  My next dream is to give birth to a healthy baby and give Kayla a sibling. 

So I will press on, press forward, and keep looking up towards the goal.

"Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon? Tell me this was just a game we play called life.- Leftover Cuties

Feeling kind of lost right now.  Just kind of feel numb. This song speaks volumes in my struggles to carry a pregnancy to term. I'm sure many people out there can relate no matter what challenge they are facing in their own lives right now.  When are things going to get easier?  Will they ever?  Life is so frustrating sometimes. 

And at the end of the road is there someone waiting ?  Do I get a medal for surviving this long?

Again, sorry for the downer post. I just need an outlet to get my feelings out.  Guess I'm having a little pity party for myself.  No one can possibly understand what it is like to lose 7 babies unless they have experienced it themselves.  Not one day goes by that I don't think about those babies and feel like bursting into tears because I miss them so much.  I guess some days I am better at handling it than others.

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention."

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde

 Thank You to my friends that reached out to me to talk me off the ledge yesterday.  (Not literally of course) but sometimes it helps to know that I'm not alone although I certainly wouldn't wish these feelings or experiences on anyone.  I think the month of October is always hard for me due to many factors.

• October 2008 I lost baby #3, Devon James, after seeing a healthy heartbeat
• October 2009 I lost baby #6, Ashton Michael, after seeing a healthy heartbeat.
• October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I think all of these reminders get my emotions running and I start to feel down in the dumps a bit.
I'm kind of happy October is almost over and November will be here soon.  Not to mention the holidays mean time off of work which is always nice.

I seriously don't know where I would be without my amazing husband, my beautiful daughter, and my  supportive friends.  It's amazing how the smallest note or a long email can make you feel just a little bit better when times are tough.
   
Thank You!

Feeling Depressed

 I’m feeling really depressed right now. I’ve been super sick with first a sore throat, then pink eye, and now an ear infection. My ear has been clogged for over a week now. I am so miserable living in our old house.  (we short sold our other home due to the real estate crash in Phoenix but moved back into our rental property downtown that we lived in when we were first married.)  I miss my old neighborhood and my old house with my beautiful backyard and amazing kitchen. It’s been a hard adjustment. I know I know I am probably just being a spoiled brat but I am so unhappy.


Another reason I am so depressed is everyone is having their babies now. On facebook it is like baby overload. I want it so badly. I LOVE Kayla with all my heart but I want to post pregnant belly pics like everyone else. I want that pic of me in the hospital bed with Kayla and my hubby holding the new baby I just gave birth to.  I miss when K was an infant.  This toddler stage is a blast and I am having so much fun but I still feel like there is a little one missing. Does that make sense? My life feels so incomplete since I haven’t carried a pregnancy to term like everyone else around me. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I had to hang out with my friend yesterday and she is 38 weeks pregnant with number 2. I’m so jealous of her belly.

Then to top it all off I was watching Desperate Housewives last night and almost the whole show was about Lynette’s baby and she was so cute and cuddly. I want that again and again and again. Maybe I’m just going through a depressed mood because October is when I lost both of the babies that had heartbeats. Maybe my body remembers that subconsciously every year and it pulls me into a tailspin of depression. I just don’t know.  I feel like the only way I am going to have another baby is if I can do it through my own body because my hubby doesn’t seem to want to pursue another adoption anytime soon. I wish I could just let this go and be happy with what I have.   I love my daughter as if I carried her for 9 months but I still feel like I'm missing out on a wonderful amazing experience.  I love being a mommy and I am so ready for number 2. 

Sorry for my downer post.  I know I am blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, a roof over my head and a job.  I guess I just want more.

It's a Crazy Busy Life!

I know it has been awhile since I have written on this blog.  Life has been soooo busy.I feel like I am being pulled in all different directions all at the same time and I am overwhelmed. I have been dealing with some medical drama and and we also moved to our other property downtown which has been very stressful. We are in the process of selling our other house and it is taking forever given the Phoenix housing climate. On top of that, work has been kicking my butt!!I seriously just need a break a vacation or something! 


On to the medical drama. I have been having burning and tingling for the past month throughout my body. In fact as I type this my palms are burning and itching. I checked online and totally freaked myself out because I saw that they were symptoms of MS. I was convinced I had it. (I am a bit of a hypochondriac) I even went to the ER one morning my palms were so burning so bad. They literally felt like they were on fire but when I looked at them they didn't look red or any different. The ER did a CT scan and everything looked fine. Said it was anxiety. Then I went to my doc and asked him to order an MRI. That came back normal. Bloodwork was normal too. So now I am at a loss. Maybe it is just stress and anxiety?A lot of changes have been going on in my life so that could be it. I am now taking klonopin at night to help me sleep better and also help with anxiety.

Dr. Yau, my acupuncturist, said it wasn’t anything serious. He said he can tell by your pulse and your tongue if you have a serious illness or not and that I was an easy fix. I sure hope he is right! He said I was holding in too much heat in my body and has been treating me for anxiety, heat, and hormone imbalance.  Something about having too much yin and not enough yang? Dr. Yau said we could probably start trying again in 2 months but I think we are going to wait until Jan 2011 to start again. Why add more stress to the holidays you know?

We had our family camping trip this past weekend. I'm not much of a camper but it was pretty fun. We took K to her first Cardinals Football game 2 weekends ago as well. She is talking up a storm and has used the potty twice so far! I can't believe she will be 18 months next week!  I have to admit.  I LOVE being a mama.I just really want the entire pregnancy experience as well. I am so in love with Kayla. She is such a miracle I still can’t believe she is ours!!

I was watching an old Grey's Anatomy episode last week and it got me thinking.  Why, when we are so young, are we in such a hurry to grow up?  I miss those days where my biggest worry was which friend should I invite over after school or what if I don't find that perfect dress for the dance.  Now life is filled with all sorts of worries.  Health, financial, fertilty, etc.  Sometimes I wish I could just be 18 months again.  Wake up, play all day, eat, and take naps.  Maybe if I had known then what I know now, I would have appreciated it more. 

K with her cousin

 Family pic at our camping trip

 At the Cardinals Football Game!

Miracles do happen- just not the way we always imagined they would

Today I have been feeling depressed.  I don't know why.  I just feel sad and blah.  Maybe it is the numerous pregnancy announcements that keep coming my way.   I was sending the link to my adoption blog to a friend and as I scrolled through it I came across my posting from July 9th 2009.  I read through it and it brought me to tears but these were tears of joy and happiness.  It made me realize how lucky I truly am.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing little girl in my life. Whenever I am feeling down I just need to go back an re-read about the day we first met our beautiful daughter and know that miracles do happen just not the way we always imagined they would.

Below is the link but I also copied and pasted it below.  Unfortunately the pictures didn't come over with the pasting of the post but that's okay.

http://lisaandwestonadoption.blogspot.com/2009/07/dreams-do-come-true-prayers-are.html

Dreams Do Come True & Prayers Are Answered!



WE ARE PARENTS!!!! I think I am still in shock!!


Sorry it has taken me so long to write. I am still adjusting to motherhood and Kayla is having tons of visitors every day.


Here is our Adoption Story:


We received a call from Lifetime Adoptions on June 24th that a birthmother had reviewed 9 profiles and wanted only us for her 2 1/2 month old baby girl Sophia. We were elated! We didn't have to wait for her to decide between 2 or 3 families. She only wanted us which was amazing!

Thursday June 25th the birthmother and I talked and we reported back to Lifetime that we both wanted to move forward. We had arranged for her to call back at 5:30pm so she could talk to my husband. I had forwarded our adoption 800# to my phone and headed down to my husband's office since he was working late and we waited and waited. No call :( We were heartbroken. The agency kept calling her and there was no response. We were sure she had changed her mind. So many emotions went through my head. "Did I say something wrong on the phone call?" I kept going over the conversation in my head and couldn't find anything I might have said to offend her. We decided to go get some dinner that night and I was so distraught, How could I be going through another type of loss again? This just wasn't fair. We were so close. Then little signs kept coming around me. I was walking around the shops near my husband's office and looked through the window of a souvenir shop. There they had personalized AZ license plates with names on it. There was a man looking at them and when he turned the spinning display the name Sophia faced directly toward me. Was this God's way of telling me this was going to work out? I'll admit, there was a little glimmer of hope still there in my heart but I have had that hope before and had my heart broken with my previous pregnancy losses so I tried not to look to much into it.


As everyone knows, June 25th was the day Michael Jackson died so there was a ton of coverage all over the television. I was at home watching a report on his death when they showed a girl dancing like Michael in front of the Apollo Theater. The announcer said, "and that was Sophie dancing like Michael Jackson." I immediately looked up and thought, "hmm that was weird."


I am a big believer that things happen in 3's so I thought, Okay- that is 2, am I going to get one more sign?" Then a Gerber baby commercial came on. It was a stretch but I counted it as sign #3 anyways.


Friday passed- still no word. Saturday passed- still no word. I was such an emotional wreck. The only thing that made me feel better was babysitting my almost 1 year old nephew. It's so weird but he is my saving grace. Whenever I am down I can just be around him and he lifts my spirits.


Sunday my husband took me to see a funny movie to get my mind off of things. It definitely helped brighten my mood. Then, it happened. SHE CALLED!! She apologized and said she had left for a trip to see her sister and forgotten her phone and that she hadn't changed her mind. She still wanted to move forward. We couldn't believe it.


That whole next week I was on the phone with attorneys and social workers. We found out Wed July 1st that the adoption would take place on July 6th and that we had to fly to Reno. We immediately bought our plane tickets and booked our hotel room. Needless to say I did not sleep well at all that week. I was excited, scared, anxious. I just wanted to go and pick up our baby at that moment.


Friday we went to Target and bought the car seat and stroller. I was so nervous. I felt like we shouldn't be there buying these things yet but my husband wanted to get the basic essentials we needed before we got to Reno so we wouldn't be rushing around.


Saturday was July 4th. I wanted to tell everyone so badly but we knew we had to wait until it was final. It’s kind of like when you are pregnant and don’t tell anyone until the 2nd trimester. You don’t want to announce it too early in case it doesn’t work out.


Sunday we hopped on a plane to Reno. The birthmother text me and told me she didn’t have a ride so we offered to pick her and the baby up for the Monday morning appointment., I was happy about this because one of my biggest fears was that she wouldn’t show up to the signing. Now we were picking her up so that wouldn’t be an issues.


That night my husband and I didn’t sleep. We were so filled with anxiety and anxious about the events that were to happen Monday morning.


The next morning we picked up the birthmother and the baby and I immediately fell in love. That little girl was so amazingly beautiful. We went to the social worker’s office and the signing began. Once all was said and done the time came for our birthmother to say goodbye to the baby. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to see. What a brave woman she is. I admire her strength and her trust in Weston and I to raise her birth daughter. She kept telling us she knew she was doing the right thing and that we could give her baby the kind of life she wouldn’t be able to provide for her. I asked her if she would like some time alone with the baby before we left and she said no. We dropped her off at her sister’s apartment. The 3 of us just hugged and tightly and said our goodbyes.


Dreams Do Come True & Prayers Are Answered. I love this little girl as if I carried her for 9 months. Our love for Kayla is more than we could have ever imagined and we feel so blessed and lucky to have her in our lives. Of course hindsight is 20/20 but it is amazing when you look back at your journey and realize why certain things happened the way they did. Losing my job back in October happened for a reason. We were supposed to meet this little girl at the exact time we did. It was all part of a big plan that we had no control over.


Today I look at Kayla in awe. I can't believe after 3 1/2 years and 5 pregnancy losses I am finally a mommy! My husband is finally a daddy, my parents are finally grandparents, my brother is finally an uncle. This is what I have prayed for every night and the time is finally here!


For anyone out there struggling with attaining a dream my advice to you is to keep pushing forward. Randy Pausch said it perfectly. “Brick walls are there for a reason. They help us prove how badly we want something.” My husband and I sure faced a lot of brick walls but we made it!

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone.

But, still miraculously, my own.

Never forget, for a single minute

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

-UNKNOWN

My daughter Kayla and I at Lake Tahoe July 8th 2009

Progress and a Discovery

Still doing acupuncture and herbs. I went Friday and Dr. Yau said it appears to be working. My PMS symptoms aren't as bad as they used to be. I used to get really sore breast and lower back pain the week prior and now pain is virtually gone. Also, I used to spot for about 6 days off and on before Aunt Flow showed her ugly face and now I only spot for about 2 days before she officially arrives. (sorry TMI I know but it is how I know the treatment is working) So I am making progress. I usually get horrible cramps on cycle day 1 but this time around they weren't as bad as they usually are and as soon as I took 2 Advil I felt much better.

Not sure when I will be able to start trying to conceive again. Maybe Dec or Jan? I'm still taking my fish oil, folic acid, B vitamins, and wheat grass shots. I really hope this works. I want this so badly. I swear, once I carry a pregnancy to term and give birth I'm totally done. I will be content with 2 kids. Hope it happens soon.


Friday night I was looking in my desk drawer and found my old cell phone. I started going through it to see what pictures and videos I had on it from 2007 and stumbled across my ultrasound video of Devon (baby number 3). Looking back it is still hard for me to believe that October 7th 2007 was the first and last time we saw his beautiful beating heart. It was such an amazing day which made the loss so devastating. We thought he was our keeper, our little miracle, but 3 weeks later his heartbeat was gone. I try to put the past behind me but it creeps in sometimes and makes my heart ache. I look forward to the day when I get to see him again in heaven and finally get to hold him in my arms. I know he and Ashton (and the other 5 babies) are watching down on my husband, Kayla, and I and protecting us which brings me some comfort but it doesn't take away how much I miss them.

Devon James 7 weeks 3 days

Tears

I know 15 people who have either given birth or announced their pregnancies in the last 2 months. 15!  Isn't that crazy?  Whatever water they are drinking can I please have some?

Today I was overwhelmed with so much emotion at all of the pregnancy announcements. I was genuinely upset but the tears wouldn't come out.  It wasn't until my husband got home that the tears began flowing.  So many beautiful babies entering our world and none of them are through me. Baby bumps and ultrasound pictures are being posted among my friends on social networking sites.  I guess today it finally got to me.

The only ultrasound pictures I have to share are the ones below.  2 out of 7 babies were actually captured on screen and they both passed away shortly after seeing their beautiful heartbeats.  All of the pain from those losses came rushing back suddenly.  I don't even have that amazing ultrasound picture of Kayla to share with her when she is older or display in her room like everyone else does.  Our birth mom didn't pass that one along to me when we adopted her and I think it may be inappropriate to ask for it now.

For a split second I lost hope of ever carrying a pregnancy to term but as soon as the tears dried and I stood up I felt that sense of determination come rushing back.  Something in me won't let this go.  Something in me won't let me give up.  As long as I have that feeling in my heart I know that I have to keep trying.  There is a reason I feel this way and to give up now on that dream would be such a huge disservice to myself and this long treacherous journey I have embarked on.  I have to keep trying. I have to keep believing.

 

            Devon James passed away Oct 2007

Ashton Michael passed away September 2009

Just Smile

Charlie Chaplin: Smile

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky

you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun shining through

For you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile-

If you just smile.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not African Fertility Statue Exhibit

So I was telling my friend how bummed I was that I am going to miss the Ripley's Believe It Or Not African Fertility Statue exhibit when I am in Canada by only 2 weeks.  She happened to be in Ocean City, Maryland last week and had a chance to touch them herself!  She told me to send her a picture of my hands and she would touch her cell phone with the statues.  I know pathetic on my part right?  But so thoughtful on hers.  So I did it.  She text me with a message saying "you have just virtually touched the statues."  LOL The things I will do to have a baby.  I swear. 

I would still like to see them in person but don't know where they will be going after the tour is over.  My hope is that they end up at the LA location so I can drive there from AZ when I go visit family and friends and stop by while I am in town.  Who knows if it really works but it is worth a shot right?  The other place I would love to visit is Kununurra, Australia where Nicole Kidman and 6 other women swam in the waterfalls and all ended up pregnant and carried to term. (Northern Western Australia)  I haven't been to Australia since I was in the 6th grade so it would be great to go back and see it now that I am old enough to really appreciate it. 

http://www.ripleys.com/fertility-statues/

pic I sent to my friend so I could virtually touch the statues

Article about Nicole Kidman

http://www.wowowow.com/post/did-australian-water-help-nicole-kidman-get-pregnant-109717

An Amazing Dream!

I had the most amazing dream last night. I dreamt I gave birth to a baby boy! I remember I was very surprised because it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. (Which I'm sure is completely unrealistic. LOL)The baby looked exactly like my husband too. He had all of the characteristics of both of us but I remember thinking he was a mini version of my hubby. That is what we always say about my nephew. He is a mini-version of my brother-in-law.


I hope that the dream was a sign. It all felt so real.  Hopefully it was a premonition.

I came across this e-book about helping people carry to term and have healthy babies called Pregnancy Miracle. It was only $39 and my hubby said I could order it. It's a holistic approach combined with TCM. I figure I will read it and see if it works.  The most I will lose is $39 which in the grand scheme of things is nothing compared to what I have been paying for the past 4 1/2 years.  Seems like a pretty small risk.  If my year long break and acupuncture don't work I at least have this to fall back on.

So many things are going on in my life these days.  Last week I received a call from my boss that I was getting a raise.  Today we found out we have a cash offer on our home that is for sale, and my hubby was just offered promotion with another department within his company.  So things are looking up.  I pray they continue to go this way! I almost feel like I am jinxing it by writing this out.  I'm so superstitious!

A Talk With My Acupuncturist

Friday before we set out on our mini vacation to San Diego over 4th of July weekend I went in for my weekly acupuncture appointment.  I actually forgot my phone in the car which was a good thing because I was able to actually relax. I wasn't able to take pictures anyway this time because he put 2 needles in each arm.  As I was getting my new herbs and paying for my session he re-iterated not to get pregnant for a year.  Gosh that seems like a long time.  He said if I do I will lose the baby again because my body will not be ready.  I was about to ask the question that  had been on my mind all week but before I had a chance to he answered it for me. 

That question?  What are my chances that this is going to work?

He said my chances are very good and gave me a 70% chance of carrying to term with my own eggs if I follow his instructions and do exactly what he says.  That means taking my herbs religiously 3x a day everyday and attending weekly acupuncture appointments.  It also means eating shellfish, minimizing my caffeine, alcohol and spicy food intake.   While this is great news and a better prognosis than western medicine has given me of carrying to term with my own eggs he also said that this is my last chance.  If this doesn't work he will not be able to help me.  I left the office feeling very hopeful but also nervous.  Is this really my last chance?  I'm only 30 years old!  How could I be running out of time to carry a pregnancy successfully and give birth?

I hate that I'm only 30 years old but feel so much older than that due to my fertility issues.  It makes me feel ancient! Like I should have started trying for a baby earlier.  I started trying when I was 26!  I thought that was early enough.  I just wish I could be like every other 30 year old woman out there who wants to continue to grow her family.  Still I am holding on to that glimmer of hope I have inside me that this will work. Time to go take some more herbs! LOL 

July 6th 2009

A year ago today we met our birth mom and our beautiful daughter Kayla in Reno, NV.  That morning I woke up nervous and excited.  I hadn't slept all that much the night before in anticipation of this day.  So many things filled my mind.  Will our birth mom show up when we arrive to pick her up for our appointment?  Will she go through with it or change her mind?  Will today be the day I am finally a mommy?

We arrived at Patty's sister's apartment in Sparks, NV to pick her and the baby up.  I called her from the car to let her know we were outside waiting.  She walked up carrying a beautiful baby girl in her arms with brown hair and hazel eyes. Instantly our hearts melted.   Patty handed me the 2 1/2 month old baby girl and we loaded her into the car seat.  I don't remember the small talk we had on the way to the social worker's office but I know I tried to keep it light and cheerful. I could only imagine what Patty must have been going through that morning.  What was our most joyous and proud day was probably the hardest day of  her life.  We arrived at the office and met with our social worker Meg. 

Meg asked if we wanted to chat for a while and get to know one another but Patty, our birth mom, wanted to get on with the signing of the paperwork.  They took her into another room while my husband and I waited with Kayla in the office.  I held Kayla as she fell asleep in my arms.  I wanted to start snapping pictures right away of our beautiful daughter but  at the same time we were very fearful that Patty would return with documents unsigned and say she had changed her mind.  In fact I don't think we even took a single picture of Kayla until after we dropped Patty back off at her sister's apartment and headed to Walmart to get more baby supplies.  (We hadn't bought much because we were so afraid we would come home empty handed).  The whole experience was surreal.  I felt like I was watching a Lifetime movie waiting for the story to take a tragic turn where the bottom falls out and  the whole thing collapses in front of us.  Too many times did we have the rug ripped out from underneath us with our 5 previous pregnancies.  Why should this time be any different?

But it was!  Patty and our social worker Meg reappeared with signed papers in hand.  Our birth mom sat down next to me and stroked Kayla's hair as she lay sleeping in my arms.  I felt joy but also sadness for our birth mom.  What a brave woman she was that day.  There were tears and hugs shared among all of us.  We dropped Patty off at her sister's apartment and headed to grab something to eat and share the good news with our family and friends. 

I remember calling our family and friends to tell them the news.  WE WERE FINALLY PARENTS!  We had waited years to announce this kind of news.  The morning of July 6th 2009 is a day I will never forget.  It was the day my dream of becoming a mommy finally came true and was truly the happiest day of my life.

Yet Another Pregnancy Announcement Among My Friends

I seriously need to take a major break from the Facebook's Live Feed. It seems like people are announcing pregnancies and popping babies out left and right. I think the part that is the hardest for me is when my friends are actually pregnant. Once the babies are born I'm fine.

When I watch our wedding DVD or see my wedding pictures I can't help but think how naive I was to think having a family would be so easy. Little did I know that 4 1/2 years later we would have experienced 7 miscarriages. Thankfully we were blessed with a successful adoption but I still so badly want to have that baby bump. I often imagine myself looking in the mirror wearing a cute maternity top and touching my belly. I have these dreams of my husband taking pregnancy pictures of me with Kayla so curiously touching my belly wondering what is in there. I happily look down and smile at her and my belly with joy as he snaps the cutest pics ever. Then poof! Back to reality. Will I ever get to sport a cute little baby belly and shop for maternity wear? It's all so frustrating.

I just wish the feelings of jealousy weren't present.  I wish that pregnancy announcements were something I was delighted to hear about instead of something I dread.  It's all just a reminder of the losses and the sadness I feel that I haven't carried a pregnancy to term.  I feel like I am missing out on an amazing experience.  It brings back those devastating feelings I felt when the doctor told us our babies had passed away after seeing the heartbeats (pregnancies #3 and #6).  I'm a woman.  My job is to give birth and life and help populate the planet isn't it?  (okay it's not my sole job, but it's one I would like to have come easily like it does for most women) It makes me feel like less of a woman at times that I can't do this one thing.  I know I'm not any less because I haven't given birth but those feelings still surface at times.  I love being a mom and I want to experience it over and over again. I want to watch Kayla play with her little brother or sister.  Ugh, now I feel like I am just whining and having a pity party.  I need to shut up and be thankful for what I have instead of sad about what I don't.  I know I am blessed. I know I am lucky.  I just wish I could let this go. I wish I didn't want this so badly.

More Acupuncture 6-25-10

Today was my weekly acupuncture appt. He checked my tongue and my pulse then had me lay down. This time he placed 2 needles in my stomach and then various needles in my feet and legs. He then attached a pulsing unit to each of the needles to help stimulate blood flow and strengthen my inner core. I laid there for about 40 min on my back. I was supposed to be relaxing but I found myself checking emails on my blackberry and texting my friends. It did make the time go by pretty fast but next week I think I will keep my phone in my car so I can really spend that time relaxing. See pictures below:

Again he gave me two new packs of herbs to take for the week. They all look the same to me but he insists they are different each week. He said they are going to help strengthen my ovaries and help delay the aging process. Um, I'm only 30 years old. I didn't know I had to worry about the aging process yet but apparently the ovaries are the first to go and since Western Medicine says I have pre-mature ovarian failure I guess it is good I am doing this now right? Dr. Yau has so much faith in his practice and so many success stories I feel like I have to believe him. Problem is, I have been here before. I have been so incredibly hopeful in the past that it makes the losses that much more devastating when they happen despite the hard work and discipline I have put myself through. I follow all of the rules, I never miss an appt or a pill, or a shot, and still it ends the same. (Sigh) What do I have to lose really though? I've already been through 7 losses so if I have another one I will at least know that I tried everything I could to carry a pregnancy to term with my own eggs. I have decided that I will give this one more shot and if it doesn't work I am moving on to IVF with Donor Eggs or another adoption.  So let the poking and prodding contintue.  This chick is not giving up yet!

Up close shot of stomach & left foot with needles and pulsing units 

Herbs

A Year Ago Today.......

A year ago today I received the call that changed my life forever in the best way possible. I remember that day so clearly. My husband and I were at my parent’s house visiting my dad because he had just come home from the hospital after having a heart procedure done. I was standing in their dining room when my cell phone rang. I always had it on me in hopes that I would be getting a call any day about a possible adoption situation. My heart fluttered as I answered it and it was a coordinator from Lifetime. I grabbed my husband and we went outside on the patio. She excitedly told us we had been matched! The birth mom looked at some profile books and out of the 8 she had seen she only wanted us!! That was the day we found out about a 2 month old baby girl from Nevada. They explained that the birth mother wanted to move forward with the adoption very quickly and asked us if we were interested in talking to her. Of course we were! We were ecstatic! She emailed us the below pictures and our hearts just melted. We were IN LOVE!

Acupuncture Session #3

Today I went to acupuncture again.  He switched up my herbs and told me that I need to make sure I take them religiously because they are the only thing that is going to help me.  Not sure if I believe this will help me carry to term but I have to at least try it right?  Here are some pics I took with my phone.  The bruises on my belly are from the Lovenox injections (blood thinners) I have to take when I am pregnant not from the acupuncture needles.  I guess having to use the Lovenox injections has really done a number on my belly when it comes to bruising but I assure you these look very good compared to what they usually look like when I am actually pregnant.  I hope this time next year I will be posting "Baby Belly" pictures on this blog instead.

Taking a Break from TTC

Yesterday I jumped on the treadmill for 30 min and watched a movie as a little break from work. I'm going to try and do that every day. I follow up by using the big ball to do sit ups and leg lifts.  With this break coming up from TTC I may try and sport a bikini again if I can get my tummy toned and the bruises to go away from the Lovenox shots.  I've stuck to tankinis that cover my tummy since my bruises have been so bad.


I'm now taking herbs 3x a day, working out, using the juicer (lettuce, cucumber, green apple, lemon, and celery) and doing wheat grass shots. I will try a 4 month break first. Then I will ask my acupuncturist where I'm at in my progress and see if my body is ready to start trying to get pregnant again.

These next 4 months I plan on really enjoying life.  Going on trips and vacations with my family, eating healthy, exercising, and just really relaxing. I may even put the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor away and just do the Arbonne Prolief cycle days 12-26.  There really is no point in wasting the test sticks if I'm not trying to get pregnant right now.

This weekend I read the 5th Twilight book "The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner." (actually it is a novella and a side book to Eclipse which comes out in theaters June 30th)   Then I watched movies all weekend. My  husband enjoyed himself lounging around but I just wanted to get out and do something.  Since I work from home I don't get out of the house all that much and with Kayla (my 14 month old daughter) I was confined to the house because she had Roseola last week.

If you are looking for some movies to watch this summer here is the list of movies I saw this weekend and my input:

1. Transformers Revenge of the Fallen  (movie was a let down. Hope the 3rd one is better)



2. Star Trek I had already seen this one though in the theater. Good movie though.



3.When in Rome (dumb ass movie. Don't waste your time)



4. It's Complicated (it was okay-Alec Baldwin is looking very old and you can tell he has had a face lift or 2 or 3 or 4!)



5. Remember Me (AMAZING movie. Even my hubby liked it.) I thought it was just a chick flick romance movie with Rob Pattinson but it turned out to be a lot deeper than I could have imagined. You should watch it. Plus Rob Pattinson is a hottie so you can't really go wrong there! LOL



6. Dear John (big snooze. hated the ending)


7. Twilight Saga: New Moon (you need to read the books first.  They are addicting!)
So ya I literally spent my entire weekend watching movies. I need to get a life!

It was all I could do since we couldn't go anywhere because K was contagious to kids under 3 with Roseola until her rash went away. Thank Goodness she is better.

Father's Day is this coming weekend so I am trying to plan something special for my hubby since it is his first Father's Day. 

So in a nut shell I am trying to remain positive and take this TTC break and really enjoy the wonderful things life has to offer.

2nd Acupuncture Visit After 7 Losses

Went to acupuncture today and he wants me to not try to get pregnant for 6 months to a year so he can get my body ready for a pregnancy again!  Can't say I am happy about that but maybe it will be a good break for me I guess. Kind of disappointed but I want to make sure my body is ready. He switched me to the herbs in a pill form and told me hopeful stories of women who were given a 0 chance of pregnancy and with his help they had babies. I go again next Friday

The Empty Picture Frame

I've been feeling really depressed lately.  Maybe it is my 7th loss on 5-5-10, or that everyone who was pregnant the same time I was had their babies this month when I was pregnant with number 6.(the 2nd pregnancy we lost after seeing the heartbeat in Oct 2009).  Maybe it is because some of my friends are pregnant or  because a friend of mine just had a miscarriage.  Maybe it is a combination of all of these. I don't know. 

Anyways, a friend of mine sent me this book titled "The Empty Picture Frame" by Jenna Currier Nadeau. I have had it sitting at my desk since it arrived a couple of weeks ago and just haven't felt up to reading it.  Today I decided to open it up and read the Preface.  It was a very good read but I found myself getting very emotional.  I don't think I am ready to sit down and read it yet. I have a feeling it is going to open up old wounds that I'm not ready to feel again yet. The good news is that while the story itself doesn't have a happy ending after the book was published the author did  fulfill her dream of having a family.  She has 1 child through adoption and carried 1 child to term and gave birth.  So that does give me hope. 

I guess right now I am just a big mixed ball of emotions.  I'm exhausted with this multiple miscarriage journey and the constant fight to carry a pregnancy to term.  Still I am heading to acupuncture again tomorrow to try put my body back into balance. I guess I'm still willing to give it another try once I am given the "green light" from my acupuncturist which will probably be in about 2-3 months.  I need to take advantage of this break and enjoy not having to stress about TTC. (trying to conceive).  If you would like to learn more about this book below is the link to Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Picture-Frame-Inconceivable-Infertility/dp/1432705962

About the Author


Jenna and Mike Nadeau have struggled with infertility since shortly after they were married in 2002. Jenna is a current volunteer for RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. She has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show as well as The Today Show to discuss their experiences. Together, Jenna and her husband have written The Empty Picture Frame as a way to share their journey and educate others.

Back to Acupuncture Again

Well, I decided to try acupuncture again. Not sure why, just feel like I need to do something and be proactive. I just can't accept that my eggs aren't any good and that egg donor is my only option. So Friday I went back to the first doctor I saw after pregnancy loss #3. He is closer to my house and cheaper. My sister-in-law had a co-worker use him after she had 3 losses and he helped her carry to term so I figured it was worth another shot. I loved my last acupuncturist Robert but he is about 45min away and since I work from home and have Kayla now it would be too much for me to drive all the way out there.

So I went and saw Dr. Yau on Friday. I explained to him that I have had 7 losses and he looked at me and said, "why haven't you come to see me sooner?" He examined me and said I had a very weak pulse and that I was carrying a lot of heat. Not sure that that means exactly but he told me to eat papaya, stay away from the sweets (which I LOVE), and eat spicy food in moderation. We are going to work on strengthening my reproductive system with acupuncture and herbs. He placed the needles in me and prepared 4 days worth of "tea" for me to take home. I go back Tuesday for another appt. Thank God I do because I can not handle this so called "tea." It is the nastiest thing I have ever tasted in my life and it takes 1 hour and 10 min to prepare every single day! Not to mention the fact that it makes my house stink! There is a pill form and although it isn't as effective as the tea I am going to have to insist we stop the tea and move forward with that. I don't have time to make the tea everyday and the taste is just so horrible I get depressed just thinking about when I have to take my next dose.

The tea is literally a bag of herbs that I boil in a pot for 10 min, then I steep it and put the herbs back in and boil them again in 3 cups of water for 30min, then I steep again, and repeat step 2 again for another 30 min. Then I have to divide it into 3 portions and drink it 3 times a day. IT IS AWFUL! I have gagged when I get some of the sediments at the end. I ended up making a batch Friday and 1 batch today but I had to throw away the other 2 days worth. I do want to carry a pregnancy to term but I guess I have my limits. I will gladly take the pill form so hopefully that will help me balance out my body and get it ready to carry a pregnancy to term.

So, do I think this is going to work? I don't know. I've done the acupuncture route before and it didn't but I guess I feel I just need to try Dr. Yau again. I've also started doing my morning cleansing tonics using the juicer. I read about it in The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova and if all else fails at least I will be very balanced and very healthy right? I wish someone could tell me the right combination to get me to where I want to be. I know God doesn't negotiate but I have prayed to Him over and over again. "Please just let me carry one pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby and I promise I will NEVER ask for this again." I really want Kayla to have a little brother or sister and I have always wanted at least 2 kids.

Maybe I need to let this go, maybe I'm crazy, but I just can't give up yet. So much for letting go and letting God. I'm trying but man it is so hard to just let this go. I'm not one to just throw in the towel when things get tough.

Surprised Feelings

Another friend of mine had her baby on Sunday. We were about 3 weeks apart in our due dates. I am so happy for her. I can't wait to meet the new baby. Surprisingly when she text me to tell me she was in labor I was overcome with joy. I didn't expect this reaction from myself but was relieved that instead of jealousy I felt happiness. Maybe this is all getting a little easier for me to handle since all of my friends are popping out babies.

There still is a part of that feels sad though. I want that experience of rushing to the hospital because I'm in labor and have that moment where the doctor finally hands me my baby. I want that moment where I get to look into their eyes for the first time, exhausted, and numb from the waist down crying tears of joy and happiness. Is it weird that I want the pain and the pushing? Ugh It hurts just thinking that I may never get to experience that. The day we met Kayla I was under a lot of stress. I was so afraid that my birth mother would change her mind. I couldn’t fully relax until we had arrived at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix after a long exhausting week of waiting for state clearance to take her home and even then I was afraid something else would go wrong and our adoption wouldn’t be finalized. I feel I was robbed of that moment you know? I didn’t fully relax until November 2009 when the courts made it official. Guess since I went through so much loss I was afraid that I would lose her too. I still go into her room at night and make sure she is breathing even though she is in the clear from SIDS. I can't imagine my world without her. She fills me with so much joy and happiness. When I am feeling down I think back to the day we walked through the front door and were welcomed by family, friends, a decorated house, and gifts. It was such a joyous day.

This current cycle was a bomb. BFN (Big Fat Negative). Waiting for the new cycle to begin. I've started my wheatgrass shots again and I am going to an acupuncture appt on Friday. We will see what happens. Tomorrow is a new day.

Vision Board

VISION BOARD

A couple of years ago I read the book The Secret. In the book they talked about the creating a Vision Board. What is a Vision Board?

A "Dream Board" or "Vision Board" is an artistic view of writing out your goals.

Imagine you have the power to create what you want your life to be. You are creating the story and you have the ability to make anything happen. This is YOUR vision. It's the same thing as writing out your goals but you are using pictures to invoke more emotion than simply writing out a list.

Back in 2008 I created my first Vision Board. (picture below)

It's amazing to look back and see how many of these came true. I am a mom, I am in Baby Bliss, I have family blessings, I got a new car (although it wasn't the Murano I love my Civic), Weston got his Emmy Award, I did have 3 positive pregnancy tests. Originally I also had a new cell phone and a camera on here but I took those off once I got those. The only things that haven't come true yet is the the pregnant belly, giving birth, the twins and the cruise. Looking at this board shows me I have had many blessings in my life and I am truly thankful especially for my little miracle Kayla. Now it is time to update it!

Below is my updated Vision Board. I kept the Emmy Award pic up because I would love Weston to win many more. Of course the pregnant bellies will stay on there since I still want to have a successful pregnancy but I actually added those words to it this time and a quote that says "I had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect delivery.". I also added a family of 4, a sold sign since my house is on the market, a new house (1 story, 3 car garage with a pool), and trips to France and Italy. (I tried to be as specific as possible)

Let's see what 2010 and 2011 bring. Here is to hoping and believing Miracles Happen.

Grey's Anatomy Finale

Okay I'll admit it. When I saw the preview last week for the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and they showed Meredith finding out she was pregnant I thought to myself, "of course they are going to show this happily ever after story about her and Derek having a baby next season." I also figured this was how they were going to incorporate the actress's real life pregnancy into the series. They already touched on ectopic pregnancy with Christina back in season 1 so why would they do another miscarriage story?

How shocked was I when the finale ended with a moment that was all too real to me? In fact just 3 weeks ago the ending scene in Grey's Anatomy tonight happened to me in real life. I too picked up my digital test that read "Pregnant" and threw it into the trash after having another miscarriage. I really wasn't expecting that scene at all.

Although pregnancy loss and miscarriage is devastating it does bring some comfort to know that television is starting to incorporate it into story lines more and show the public that not everyone gets married, gets pregnant, and has a baby the first time around. I think it makes those of us that have gone through a loss or several feel less alone and isolated. The show Brothers & Sisters also touched on this back in 2007 right about the time I had miscarriage #3.

Bravo to the television writers for bringing this topic into the lime light.

Dreaming

The other night I had a dream. I don't remember everything that occurred but I do remember walking into a nursery and seeing Kayla in her crib but she wasn't alone. There was a newborn baby girl in there with her. Then the dream shifted to me in a car with my dad and I was telling him how I wasn't even 31 yet and felt like a 40 year old. My dad and I arrived at a mansion where a convention was being held. The place was beautiful with elegant furniture, an amazing pool, and people everywhere. A man came up to us and asked us what company we were with and said he didn't think we were supposed to be there. I remember saying, "we were just leaving." Then I got angry and said "actually no, I'm in Marketing and have every right to be here" and the man and I started talking business. (huh? totally weird I know) I remember being dressed in business attire except I had dress shoes on without socks.(???)

Anyway, dad and I got back in car and I remembered that the girls were still in their crib and I needed to get back so I to get them up and ready for their day. I started freaking out trying to think who could get them ready in time because we were all running late for something. (No idea what that something was) It was so bizarre.

I wish I could talk to Sylvia Browne or Allison Dubois and find out what this dream meant and know what the future holds. I just want to know if I'm plain crazy for wanting to keep trying or if there really is something to this gut feeling that won't let me give up on my dream to carry a pregnancy to term.

This morning I woke up and started searching the Internet about elevated FSH. I began getting very discouraged at the statistics and medical findings. Then I turned on Joel Osteen and listened to him speak and began searching for success stories for those who carried to term with elevated FSH. I came across a website that gave me hope. A lady who was 36 had higher FSH levels than I have and conceived naturally and was 26 weeks pregnant at the time of her last post. That brought a smile to my face and I realized that just maybe I can do this.

Frustration!

Ugh! I'm so frustrated. I'm at the age where everyone around me is pregnant. It seems every day more and more people are announcing the wonderful news of their pregnancy. DAMN IT! WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN! I've been pregnant more times than any of my friends and I still don't have a successful pregnancy to show for it. I just want to scream!!!!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!

Okay I've had my tantrum. Now back to reality. I really am truly happy for those around me that are pregnant. It just hurts. I want so badly to have that experience. If so many women in the world around me can do it why can't I? It just doesn't make sense. The doctor's say that I have bad egg quality. It was something I was born with. Lucky me. But there are plenty of women out there who have bad egg quality and they have carried to term and given birth. Do I keep putting myself through the torture of multiple miscarriages and pray one sticks? I'm not a quitter. It's hard for me to say, "Okay I have had enough. I'm done." I just can't do that. Not yet.

I wish I could fast forward time and see how this all turns out. I realize I'm lucky. I don't want to sound ungrateful or like a broken record but I do realize I have experienced a few of the joys pregnancy has to offer that many women never do. I at least know the excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test. I know what it is like to see that beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound. I have video and pictures of 2 of my 7 babies. Some women don't even get that and I am so grateful. But it is also a huge slap in the face every time I have a loss; especially after seeing a healthy beating heart. I think that is what makes it so incredibly devastating.

There is one thing I want to make clear. I know that someday my daughter Kayla may read my journals and my blogs and think "what about me?"

Kayla, you are my miracle baby. You are the most amazing child I have ever known and I am proud to be your mommy. I can't imagine my world without you. From the moment I first saw you your dad and I were in love. I just wish I could take credit for how great you are. I wish I could tell you stories about the first time I felt you kick or the morning sickness you caused. I wish I could show you ultrasound pictures and video of your little heart beating on the screen. I wish that I could give you the guilt trip like my mom does every year on my birthday and remind you about how long I was in labor. Don't worry, I'm sure I will find some other kind of mother-daughter guilt trip to give you. LOL

I know I know. I have so many amazing memories and stories to share with her about her firsts here on earth but I still wish her and I could have had that 9 month bonding experience.

So where do I go from here? I seem to ask myself that same question after every loss. I guess I am going to take a break and then try again when I am ready.