Whenever I Feel Down I Must Remember I am Blessed

Whenever I feel down about my pregnancy losses, see all of those pregnant women out there, or hear of another birth announcement I must remember how blessed I truly am.  In fact, lately when I feel sad about this whole roller coaster of a journey we've been on I stare at our most recent family picture and it brings happiness to my heart.

To think that at this exact time in 2008 I was childless and heartbroken over our multiple pregnancy losses and thought I would never be a mom truly is amazing.   Look where we are today! Last night my 2 1/2 year old daughter Kayla whispered to me the most wonderful words I have ever heard in my life, "I love you mommy."  She has no idea how much that little sentence meant to me. 

A friend of mine said it perfectly "God works in mysterious ways." He really does and I still believe we will have our family of 4. 

Currently we are playing the waiting game again.  I have to do my booster HCG trigger on Sunday and then wait 11 days to test.  Praying for a BFP. (Big Fat Positive)

Feeling Free!

I'm totally drunk as I write this and you know what?  It feels freeing!  Tonight I went out to The Best of Phoenix Party and got my drunk on and partied with friends.  I haven't had a drink in 6 months and I had the best night ever.  I'm tired of hoping and wishing I was pregnant successfully.  I'm tired of being a slave to my body.  Tonight I let loose.  I ate sugar, I drank alcohol  and just had fun being me for once. I miss the carefree me I used to be. 

 Not Lisa, trying to get pregnant, not Lisa trying to get stay healthy and do the right thing.  Just Lisa, having fun. I finally told my friend Jill about our adoption and I really feel free and happy.  For so long I have followed the rules,  done the right thing.  Tonight was my night to enjoy, indulge and just be.  It's 12:43am.  Wish the night didn't have to end but you know what?  That is what being a parent is all about and I wouldn't change it for the world.  I am so proud and thankful to be Kayla's mommy and so happy I have a child to come home to.  She is my world ( as well as my hubby) and I can't imagine my life without either of them.  Cheers to a great night and a wonderful life!

Just When I feel Like Giving Up....

Just when I feel like giving up this message from Joel Osteen pops up in my email this morning.  I love Joel Osteen.  He is so positive and uplifting. So is this a sign to keep going and keep moving forward with this dream?  I truly believe in signs so I am going to say yes.  I have written off this past cycle and am going to think positive for Cycle 4.


 

It’s All Still in There TODAY’S SCRIPTURE “For God’s gifts and his call can never be withdrawn” (Romans 11:29, NLT) TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria Today, I want to remind you that you are full of incredible potential. When God created you, He deposited seeds of greatness inside of you. He’s given you your own dreams and desires. You have something to offer that no one else has. But too often, we allow adversities, disappointments and setbacks to push these things down, until one day, we find that we’re not pressing forward anymore. We’re not stretching; we’re not believing to rise any higher. When adversity comes, it’s easy to think, “Why is this happening to me?” The answer is because the enemy knows what’s on the inside of you. He’s going to do everything he can to keep that seed from taking root. But, he will only be successful if you let him. He can’t stop you unless you quit. During the difficult times, remember that the gifts and callings God has placed within you are still there. Don’t become stagnate in pursuing your dreams. It’s time to get your fire back! It’s time to press forward. It’s time to dig deep inside and take hold of the marvelous destiny God has prepared for you! A PRAYER FOR TODAY Father, thank You for the gifts and dreams You’ve placed within me. Today, I release my cares and concerns to You. Give me the strength, wisdom and clarity to keep moving forward so I can boldly embrace the good things You have in store for my future in Jesus’ name. Amen. — Joel & Victoria Osteen

Cycle 3 is a Bust!

Pretty sure cycle 3 is a bust :(  Having cramping and light spotting. Yesterday I was in the worst mood ever.  Nothing I did helped.  A nap, working out, a bath.  I was so hormonal and angry about everything.

I probably won't even have to go in for my blood test again this cycle.  Maybe I should make an appointment to talk with the doctor before we attempt cycle 4.  Not sure what he is going to tell me other than we could try IUI but I have heard the success rate isn't all that great and it's more money we keep throwing into that fertility pot. There is no guarantee once I do get pregnant that I will carry to term.

Last night I had a good talk with my hubby.  He said he was open to another adoption which made me happy.  If I had it my way I would start the adoption process now and still continue with the medicated cycles. 

Feeling down today.  What should I do?  Am I taking this too far?  Should I stop putting myself and family through this emotional roller coaster?  Do I give up?  Should I let go?

Part of me just wants to but there is a small voice in me that says "No! You could almost be there!"

I always believed that if I worked hard enough for something I would get it.  I have put everything I have into this for almost 6 years.  Maybe this just isn't one of those things that applies.

Just feeling blah.

Found this quote and it is keeping me some what afloat this morning.

Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. - Author Unknown

Praying Mantis

Thank You for the birthday wishes yesterday. I had a wonderful day.

Today I found out another friend is pregnant.  At first it hurt but I decided that I wasn't going to let this news affect me the way it usually does.  I did some EFT work, drank some healthy Teavana Tea (I'm obsessed with the tea and it's health benefits), did some yoga and meditated.  I feel so much better and even more so, I am excited for my friend and my own future. 

A lot has changed about me since I started working with Fay Jones back in August.  Each week we have a 30 min call and I am given homework. She has really changed my way of thinking and given me some great suggestions.  I'm eating healthier now and because I am doing that I feel better, happier,  and more at peace.  I still have my moments of frustration but I think now I am learning to deal with it in a more positive way.  I also do "wall work" which consists of putting my legs up the wall for 10 min with my hands on my belly and listening to quiet music.  It is so relaxing and helps blood flow to the reproductive organs. 


I'm feeling very happy and positive.   If I get a BFN next week I'm not sure how I will handle it.  I will be disappointed but I know I will pick myself back up and try again for cycle 4.  Part of me is starting to get nervous that I haven't gotten pregnant yet because the doc said the viral protocol lasts about 5 months.  We are currently in the 2ww of cycle 3. 

A couple of days ago I saw a Praying Mantis.  My husband says these are good luck which of course made me curious so I looked it up.  Here is what I found:


Praying Mantis Meanings in the Realms of Animal Symbolism

The mantis comes to us when we need peace, quiet and calm in our lives. Usually the mantis makes an appearance when we've flooded our lives with so much business, activity, or chaos that we can no longer hear the still small voice within us because of the external din we've created.

After observing this creature for any length of time you can see why the symbolism of the praying mantis deals with stillness and patience. The mantis takes her time, and lives her life at her own silent pace.

A quick-list of praying mantis symbolism:

• Stillness
• Awareness
• Creativity
• Patience
• Mindful
• Calm
• Balance
• Intuition

These traits have lead the mantis to be a symbol of meditation and contemplation. In fact, in China, the mantis has long been honored for her mindful movements.

The mantis never makes a move unless she is 100% positive it is the right thing for her to do. This is a message to us to contemplate and be sure our minds and souls all agree together about the choices we are making in our lives.

Overwhelmingly in most cultures the mantis is a symbol of stillness. As such, she is an ambassador from the animal kingdom giving testimony to the benefits of meditation, and calming our minds.

An appearance from the mantis is a message to be still, go within, meditate, get quite and reach a place of calm. It may also a sign for you to be more mindful of the choices you are making and confirm that these choices are congruent.

When I saw the Praying Mantis I watched it on my patio for a long time.  He/she was very careful with her movements and still.  (that is until my dog Mojo saw it and chased her away)  But before that happened I got down really low to the ground and took a picture.  What an interesting creature.  Was a sign?  I think so, but probably a sign to be more mindful and enjoy life.  I am really trying to live for "today" and not worry so much about the future. 

Am I growing wiser with age?  LOL 

Here is the EFT tapping I used today which totally helped if anyone is interested:
Title:  How do you feel when friends get pregnant first?

I'm 32 today

I'm 32 today and you know what?  I actually feel pretty good!  I'm feeling very energetic, hopeful, and happy.  I feel at peace.  I'm still in the 2WW and test next week but today I am not thinking about that.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband and daughter and so many friends that have filled my Facebook page with birthday messages. 

So for today- I'm putting those baby blues and worries aside and going to enjoy my day.   (I even got my butt to the gym today too!! YAY- Go Me!)

Is that a Baby Belly? Uh....Nope.

Last week I went to drop off my daughter at daycare before heading to the gym.  I was wearing workout pants and a t-shirt.  Her teacher approached me and said:

"What's that?" 
(I had no idea what she was talking about) 
She said, "Is that a baby belly?  You're pregnant!?"  

(Ouch that one hurt) 
I smiled and said, "no, not yet." 
Inside I was crying.  I wish I could have been saying "yes I am and look at my beautiful belly!  We are so excited Kayla is going to be a big sister! " 

But no I gave the same answer I always do "no, not yet" (insert fake smile on face). 

I'll admit it.  I'm a good faker when it comes to these kind of situations.  I walk into my fertility docs office and I'm all smiles.  You wouldn't even think I have experienced 8 miscarriages in almost 6 years.  I guess I'm pretty good at pulling it off now.  But deep down I'm very sad.  I want to be like most women out there and have a labor and delivery story to share.  I want belly pics to post and send to family and friends. I want to go shopping for maternity clothes.  I just feel like a part of me is missing.

Okay- I'm snapping out of it.  I just did my EFT (emotional freedom tapping) and I need to move forward, not backwards.  I need to get out of this funk and look at all of the wonderful things I have in my life. 

I am very blessed and very lucky. 

• I have a wonderful husband
• an amazing daughter who is my world
• a roof over my head
• a job
• my health
• my determination
• wonderful supportive parents
• amazing friends
• knowledge  
• The car I have been wanting
• 2 dogs that adore me (I'm the one they get treats and walks from:) )

So why isn't it enough?  Why can't I let this one thing go?  Just because I didn't give birth to become a mom, shouldn't I just be thankful for what I have?

I guess as humans we always want more and when we finally get it, we want something else.  It's a vicious circle isn't it.

Moving upward and onwards.  Doing my exercises to boost fertility, watching my sugar, taking my vitamins, and trying to stay healthy and positive.  Come on September! Let's make this a great month!

If you want to learn more about EFT check out Fertile Mind Set TV on YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=Of5pWLLyd5U

Also-Sarah Holland's website http://www.fertilemindset.com/

  

Cycle 2 post Viral Protocal- BFN, Cycle 3 & Preparing for Baby

Love that I found this graphic online.  It adds humor and speaks volumes all at the same time

Well- I can't say I'm surprised.  With all of the stress about our birth father the day I got the surge of course I wasn't relaxed.  I'm okay with it because I have started working with a great lady from CA named Fay Jones.  I'm doing a 6 week class with her over the phone and she is really helping me to relax and change my way of thinking.  She totally understands where I am because she herself experienced multiple miscarriages before giving birth to her daughter who is almost 12. 

So we are now on our 3rd cycle of "preparing" for a baby.  That is one of the things I have learned through Fay.  I need to stop using the word "trying" and replace it with other more positive words that re-affirm what I am doing.  So, like I said, we are on cycle 3 of preparing for a baby.  Here is to September being the lucky month!

When will I finally be able to breath?

Friday night the unthinkable happened.  Our birth mom told us that Kayla's birth father found out about the adoption and was going to fight to get her back. I was in tears all weekend. Between being on the phone with my sister-in-law who works for CPS in the adoption unit, my social worker, leaving messages for my attorney and anyone who could give me advice I finally had to talk to my BM (birth mom) and ask her to tell me the whole story about Kayla's father because as far as we knew he was unknown.

So here it is:
She was in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. He lied and didn't tell her he was married. When she found out she broke up with him but of course they had slept together. Around that same time she slept with another guy. When our daughter was born the other guy took a paternity test and he was ruled out. Therefore leaving the married guy to be our daughter's bio father. BM ran into BF (birth father)when she was 4 months pregnant and he told her congrats on her pregnancy. She said it might be his but he did nothing. Never kept in touch, never followed up. This whole time he thought she was raising the baby with the other guy but when he found out she had given the baby up for adoption he decided he wanted to fight for our daughter. So over 2 years after the baby's birth he NOW wants to take responsibility? Too Late. We took all of the legal steps to terminate his rights (i.e publishing in the newspapers the needed information) He had 90 days to come forward and he didn't so our adoption was finalized. (Nov 09)

Since he knew about the pregnancy and that the baby might be his and did nothing, legally he "abandoned mom and baby" which already terminates his rights. Not sure if we will still have a fight on our hands but at least I know he doesn't have a case.
I am so emotionally exhausted from all of this. I wish growing our family wasn't such an up hill battle. It shouldn't be this hard you know?


To put my mind at ease our attorney emailed us the following response after talking to us on the phone:


Hi Lisa & Weston,
As I told both of you, your adoption is secure. Pursuant to the Arizona Revised Statutes (ARS 8-117), to contest your adoption, the birth father would have had to file an appeal to the Arizona Court of Appeals within 15 days of your adoption hearing held on 11/3/09. Additionally, pursuant to ARS 8-123, after one year from 11/3/09, any irregularity in your adoption is deemed cured and your adoption cannot be attacked on any ground. If you should hear from this man, tell him that you have nothing to discuss with him and if he has any questions he may call your adoption attorney.
No worries!
-Kelly


Words can't express what I went through this weekend.  The feelings I experienced, the fear I still have now. Hearing this news for a split second made me feel like I wasn't a real mom.  Like every joy I have experienced raising our amazing daughter was about to be ripped from my arms and smashed on the ground.  It's amazing how someone you don't even know can make you feel like that.  I know this is not the case.  I know that I am Kayla's REAL mom and my husband is her REAL dad.  


What makes you a mom or dad?  
Having your sperm meet some one's egg?  Simply the act of carrying a baby in your womb and giving birth?  Or does it mean nurturing and caring for a child and putting all of your own needs and wants aside to provide the best life possible for that child?  Many women (notice I said many and not all) can pop out a baby but what really matters is what kind of mother are they to that child.  Are you an encourager?  


All I know is I have fought long and hard to become a mom and I will damned if anybody tries to take that away from me!


In the meantime we are on cycle 2 of trying to get pregnant since the protocol so in addition to all of this news I had to do my trigger shot Friday morning which made me extra emotional due to the HCG in my system.  With all of this stress I won't be surprised if I don't end up pregnant this cycle but we will see.  I can't wait for the day when I can finally breath and look back on this with relief and say "I did it.  I didn't give up. I survived."

Ugh! Pregnancy Pregnancy Everywhere!

Ugh!  Pregnancy Pregnancy Everywhere!  One of Kayla's teachers announced she is expecting today.  I had a feeling she was pregnant because she was kind of starting to show but I couldn't be sure if it was  the beginning of a baby belly or what.  I told her congratulations and went on my way.  Then as I was walking out of the daycare what do I see?  A very pregnant woman dropping her toddler off.  Everywhere i turn I swear they are there!  LOL 

I need to get over this.  I'm tired of my pity parties!  There will always be pregnant women everywhere I go.  Maybe I should just force myself to be around them for an entire week straight.  Maybe then I won't feel this huge pit in my stomach when I see them.  I wish pregnancy wasn't such a negative experience for me.  I always thought I would love being pregnant but now it feels like a slap in the face every time I cross a pregnant woman's path.  I hate feeling this way.  I want to be excited and happy for them but it's so hard when I have lost 8 pregnancies and have never had a positive outcome.

Today is CD 2 (Cycle Day 2).   Let the countdown to the surge and HCG trigger shot begin.......

False Postive! Back to Trying Again this month!

I am soooo relieved!!!  I did have a false positive from the trigger shot.  My blood test was negative so we can resume trying this next cycle.  I don't think I have ever been so happy to get a negative in my life!  I just didn't want to have to keep going back for blood draws and have to deal with the emotional roller coaster all week.  I didn't want to find out that this was another chemical pregnancy and all the treatments we have done were a waste.

This whole thing really did make me think about what about lies head.  Am I ready for another pregnancy?  I don't know.  I do have a new restored sense of hope that maybe..... just maybe.... the viral protocol and bee sting will work next time around.  I am NEVER testing early like I did yesterday.   Not even 1 day before my blood draw.  I totally sent myself into panic and depression mode for about 24 hours.

Back to tracking this cycle, hoping, and praying. 

False Positive or the Real Deal? Guess We Will Find Out Today

Yesterday I broke down and took an HPT test.  It was positive.  Of course I was excited.  But last night the spotting started and into this morning.   I pray that I just tested too early and this is a BFN (Big Fat Negative).  I go for blood work today at 9am. 

This morning I finally broke down in tears and came to the realization that maybe this just isn't going to happen for me.  Maybe I'm meant to be an adoptive mother and not give birth to any children myself.  Maybe God put me on this earth to do just that.  I never really thought I couldn't do this.....  until this morning.  How many more times can I put myself and my husband through this?  We are going on almost 6 years and 8 maybe 9 miscarriages.  I am so thankful Kayla is too young to understand what is going on but I know one day she will ask me why she doesn't have a brother or sister.

It just breaks my heart to not be able to experience the joys of pregnancy and giving birth.  I feel like I'm robbing my husband and my parents of this amazing experience.  In short, I feel like a failure.  My husband can reassure me that I'm not but that still doesn't change the way I feel. 

So today I'm praying I just tested too early and it was a false positive.  I'm praying that this is just Aunt Flow showing me her ugly face this month.  If it is another chemical pregnancy then everything we've been through with the viral protocol and bee sting has been a waste.

Today, as I was getting Kayla ready for daycare I was reminded just how lucky I am.  I spent extra time with her this morning helping her get ready for school (a.k.a daycare).   She is so amazing.  I honestly don't know where I would be without her. (probably in the loony bin!).   

Longest 2WW Ever!

Ugh this is the longest 2WW (2 week wait) ever!  That's because it isn't two weeks, it's actually almost a 3 week wait because I did the trigger shot on the day of the surge and then a booster HCG 8 days later. If this were a normal cycle today would be test day but I can't test because I could get a false positive due to the second HCG of 5K I administered last Wed.  I am supposed to get blood work on Sun but of course the labs aren't open on Sundays so it will have to wait until Monday. :( 

This past weekend was horrible.  I had really bad nausea Friday and Saturday and even threw up a couple of times.  I can't count this as pregnancy symptoms though because the HCG trigger shot could totally be causing these kind of side effects.  I am still getting nausea off and on and have really bad indigestion.  If these symptoms begin to disappear as the week progresses then I know it is a BFN (Big Fat Negative). 

What an emotional roller coaster I have been on this cycle.  I want to remain so hopeful but at the same time I don't want to set myself up for disappointment either.  Guess I will just have to wait it out and try to relax.  (easier said then done that's for sure!)   Praying for a BFP! (Big Fat Positive)

Cycle 1 Post Viral Protocol- Back on the Fertilty Rollercoaster!

Well, here we are .  Our first cycle post viral protocol.  Tuesday I got the surge and used my HCG trigger shot.  The side effects of the trigger shot have my emotions kind of all over the place.  Of course I feel pregnant because I have HCG in my system and feeling pregnant makes me happy but I know it isn't real.  At least not yet.  This time my doc is doing something different then what we have done in the past.  This coming Tuesday I will give myself a booster trigger shot (which is 1/2 the dose of a full HCG shot)  I then have to wait 11 days and go in for blood work to see if I am pregnant. 

If I am pregnant I start the progesterone suppositories (ugh my fav- sarcastic tone) and of course my heparin injections twice daily.  If I'm not I will wait for cycle day 1 and repeat the process again.

Keeping our fingers crossed we caught the egg this month.  I am feeling positive and upbeat and know we can do this.

Our doctor says we have about 5 months until the viral protocol wears off so time is ticking but I'm trying not to focus on that timeline all too much.  We've been doing this for almost 6 years now and I've come to realize nothing is on MY time table.  I can take the steps to get there but ultimately it's up to God and the Universe to decide.  But still I have faith.  I know this is going to happen for us.  We've come so far and worked so hard.

For now I am focusing on my wonderful life with Kayla.  She makes me smile everyday and I know I am so blessed. I love being a mom.  More importantly.... I love being HER mom.

Viral Protocol Results and The Bee Sting!

On Monday, 6/27/11, my husband and I went to get the results of the Viral Protocol and the great news is....it worked!! My numbers, that were elevated prior, all leveled out!!!  He even said we could try this cycle if we wanted.  I was instructed to get my bee sting ASAP so right after we left the doc's office I called the "Bee Guy."

Tuesday night my husband and I drove to Mesa to get my bee sting.  Kevin was very nice.  He kind of reminded me of Owen Wilson for some reason.  I guess I was kind of shocked when I saw him because I always envisioned going to this weird old shack covered in vine and sitting on some medical table with a jar of bees next to it but this experience was anything but that.  He welcomed us into his home and had me sit on the couch.  He went in his back yard, got a bee and came back holding it between his thumb and first finger.  I was shocked he was just going to do this in his front living room. 

He placed the bee on my right shoulder and let it sting me.  I took it like a champ!  Although it hurt really bad I sucked it up because hey, if this is what I have to do to carry a pregnancy to term I'm going to do it.  He pulled the bee off and left the stinger in for about 45 seconds.  The pain got worse and then finally subsided after about 2-3 minutes. 





The Bee



Placing the bee on my arm



<>

Bee getting ready to sting me



The Stinger

 On the way home I felt awesome.  It was like my body had been "shocked" back into place.  I had this huge adrenaline rush going throughout my body.  I just felt balanced again.  Who knew that a bee sting could make you feel like that?  Is it weird that I feel sorry for the bee? He gave his life for me so that I may be able to give birth to a healthy baby.  Guess that is the emotional side of me coming through again.  I hate even killing an annoying cricket!

   

Week 8 of Viral Protocol and Feeling Down

More and more pregnancy annoucements coming my way.  Super happy for everyone but man I am so ready to start trying again.  My follow up appointment to go over the results of my latest bloodwork is next Monday.  I wish it was tomorrow so I could get my bee stings and we could try this month.  I know I have to be patient but I am so tired of waiting. 

My mom gave me a People Magazine yesterday and I accidently turned to the Due Date page.  So many celebs are pregnant!  Remind me to stay off of Facebook and stay away from the magazines.  LOL  There was one happy story in there.  Martha Stewart's daughter finally was successful and gave birth after 5 years of infertilty. 

I often wonder what is worse.  Not being able to get pregnant at all or getting pregnant and losing them over and over again.  Guess I'm also feeling down because my husband's grandmother died on Sunday.  She is going to be buried next to his grandfather which is where we had our own personal funeral for baby number 3 back in 2007.  We saw our son Devon's heatbeat at 7 1/2 weeks and by 11 weeks he was gone.  We went to the grave site and buried the ultrasound picture of Devon in a little box.  I wonder if that will get dug up when they go to put his grandmother beside his grandfather this Friday.

So many things on my mind.  I did workout today but I can't stop napping during the day.  I just get so tired of staring at a computer all day long.  I'm 31 years old and I just feel lost.  I don't know why.  Guess I'm just exhausted and tired of this whole rollercoaster ride but I can't get off. I need to complete this journey successfully.  I try so hard in everything I do and I over think everything.  That's probably why I am so tired.  Like Dori says in Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimmming swimming."

Week Number 7 of Viral Protocol and Frustration and Tears

Ugh I'm so annoyed and frustrated!! Apparently over the course of 6 weeks I was supposed to go for weekly blood draws bc I'm on heparin so they could adjust it as needed. It didn't say that on the paper anything about those labs. They said it isn't a big deal but it is to me! I wanted to do the 100% correct. My only saving grace is that I'm not trying to sustain a pregnancy at this exact moment. I went back and looked at the paperwork and all it said was SQ next to the word Heparin. (Meaning Sonora Quest) I'm not a fricking code reader! Sorry to vent. I called DH and he blew me off. I think I'm just emotional. I'm just so ready to be done with this. I just want to cry right now and scream WHY CANT I JUST BE A NORMAL PREGNANT WOMAN??? You know, sometimes I pretend I am. Especially when talking to people that don't know my history or that K is adopted.


I go again today to get my PPT (the heparin blood draw) which has to be taken 6 hours after my first injections.  I'm so tired of all of the rules, the pills, the wishing, the hoping, the praying. I just want this to be easy.  It's been 5 1/2 years and 8 pregnancies and I still haven't carried to term.  WTF???? 

I just feel so alone.  I'm starting to feel defeated.  What if all of my heard work just isn't enough?  I just want to cry right now.  My stomach is so bruised and bloated I feel like a whale. I would be excited if there was a baby in there but right now it's just that way because of the injections.  Please somebody tell me this is going to work!!!

Week 6 of Viral Protocol

Last Day of Week 6-Viral Protocol

Guess it's been a while since I have written.  Just been doing the same old thing.  Taking the pills, doing the heparin injections, working out, trying to get sleep.  Today I go for my 4pm blood draw and then call the doc office to go over the results to see if the protocol is working.  After that I will know when I go for my bee stings and when we can officially start trying.  The full protocol is supposed to last 7 weeks so hopefully I can stop most of the meds soon.  I'm so tired of popping pills.  It's about 15 pills each morning and every night but once again, if it means I carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby then I am willing to go through it.  Wish I could see into the future.  Kind of over whelmed with work right now so I don't feel much like writing but hopefully I will have good news to write about next week. 

Week 4 of Viral Protocol

Week 4 of the Viral Protocol.  I'm so tired of the pills and the shots but I know that if  (correction) WHEN this works it will all be worth it.  The bruises are starting to get really bad and hurt but I have to keep pushing forward and keep going.  Once we hit week 6 I will go in for more blood work to see if my DOC has improved. (not really sure what that is.  What I do know is that if it has improved I should have a better chance carrying a pregnancy to term once I am pregnant again) 

I believe this whole protocol thing is helping.  Last week I went to the gym every single day and did laps in the pool.  It was funny, as I was completing my workout I heard my alarm go off on my phone which I would usually use to wake up from my nap!

I'm dragging a little today but I still plan on heading back to the gym to get a workout in.  I have attached the latest pic of my belly.  I really wish these were baby belly pregnancy pics :(  Hopefully we can start trying again in July.   Guess my heparin belly pics will have to do for now.

My 2nd Mother's Day and Update on Viral Protocol

My 2nd Mother's Day and Update on Viral Protocol

My second Mother's Day was amazing.  It still amazes me that 2 years ago motherhood was just a dream and now my baby girl is 2 years old and filled with such personality.  This weekend we really worked on potty training.  What a stressful and frustrating thing to teach, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  I feel so lucky that I have been blessed with such an amazing daughter.

On the "trying to carry to term" front we are in our 3rd week of the viral protocol.  I am now finally on the heparin and all of the meds. I started feeling pretty sick yesterday and this morning but I think it is because I took the pills on an empty stomach.  Once I had food in my stomach I felt much better.  On Sunday we start our second Z pack.  My tummy is starting to hurt from the bruises at the injection sites.  I wish I was writing this as me being in the 2nd trimester instead of this vial protocol.  ((sigh)) someday (hopefully soon) I will be writing to you all with a 2nd trimester belly and a baby kicking inside. 

I'm really trying to get my workouts in between 4-8p but it's hard.  I'm so exhausted around that time and I have to pick K up from daycare.  I do have a 7 day pass to 24 Hour Fitness so I am going to try and go swimming this afternoon since the doc says that is the best exercise for me.  Looking forward to working out some more.  It definitely helps my mood and makes me feel better. 

  

Week 2 of Viral Protocol

Finally I got the heparin ordered via home shipping so I don't have to pay the $350. I hope it arrives in time.  The nurse at the docs office said she told them I needed it ASAP and my Lovenox runs out on Sunday.  I feel bad because I have literally called the nurse about 10 times since my appt last Tuesday!  She is probably so sick of me.  I am now on all meds, in full swing, for the next 6 weeks or so.

Below is a pic of my belly after 5 days on Lovenox.  Not too bad yet but the bruises will really start coming out yet soon.  So not excited for that but this is my journey so I am taking it one day at a time.  I guess this is one way of getting to take belly pics although I would much rather be taking pics of my growing belly with a baby inside like most people. 


Lovenox belly after 5 days of injections 2x a day

Today I decide to update my written journal since it has been a while. I have had one since I was in the 2nd grade and have collected them throughout the years.  Then I started blogging and totally forgot about it.  Flipping through it quickly one of my ultrasound pics fell out.  In fact all whole slew of them flew out from the back of the journal from Sept 2009 when we lost our son Ashton Michael.  I had a good cry then picked myself back up again and listened to some happy music to get me moving forward.  I hate days like this when those little reminders pop up.  It's okay.  I'm going to be okay.  One day at a time.

So Frustrated I want to Cry!!!

Urgh I am so frustrated I want to cry right now.  So far I've spent over $500 on prescriptions and vitamins for this viral protocol.  I just called to see how much my heparin will cost and insurance isn't covering ANYTHING!!!  $339.23 for my heparin!  I HATE my insurance plan!  Hate it!!  I have a $500 deductible.  It's almost May.  Surly I have met it by now.  So why aren't they covering any of it?  Of course I called to talk to them and they are closed because I live in Phoenix and they are on East Coast time.  Meanwhile I have 21 days worth of Lovenox from my last pregnancy that hopefully my doc is going to let me use. The nurse said that should be fine but she has to talk to him tomorrow and find out the dosage.  I will still have to get the heparin once that Lovenox runs out but maybe the cost won't be so bad since we will have a few paychecks coming in before then.

Keep in mind that when we had an HMO heparin never cost this much and Lovenox was covered at 100%!  Now that my husband's company has forced us to go PPO we are paying out of pocket for so much.  What is the point in having insurance if it isn't going to cover anything?  Ugh I just want to cry.  I'm tired of pouring our hard earned money into fertility treatments when others are popping babies out at the cost of a co-pay for their hospital visit.   It's just so unfair.

Last night my husband told me he was mad at me because this is costing so much.  I know he is frustrated at the cost and worried about money but that really made me feel like crap.  I didn't sleep well at all. I cried this morning.  If I wasn't so broken and my body worked like almost every other females we would have so much extra money to do things.  Why is the cost of wanting a family so much for us when for most others it doesn't cost them nearly as much if anything? 

Acupuncture alone is $100 a week.  So essentially I am paying the amount of 4 car payments a month.  The 2 car payments I actually have, the acupuncture, and then daycare.  That's an extra $1100 we spend a month on acupuncture and daycare.  I don't mind spending the money on daycare but of course I would rather be a stay at home mom instead.  WHEN baby number 2 comes along he/she will stay home with me for the first year like Kayla did.  I work from home so that isn't a problem. 

I just want a check to fall out of the sky or obtrain the winning lottery numbers.  Sorry to rant and rave here. I am just so frustrated.  Over 5 years and thousands of dollars we still are only 1/2 way to having the family we always dreamed of.

Why is this dream so hard to attain?!

Pill Popping Machine

Here is an update from my appointment this morning regarding the blood work. (15 vials of blood later)

Basically what the test results revealed was that I have an underlying viral condition. (most likely caused by Epstein Bar) a mono type virus I got when I was in high school. My eggs are excellent he said and there is nothing wrong with my cycle. I guess a certain number needs to be at least 200 for egg quality and I am at 250 which is great news.

He has me doing a viral protocol in which I am going to be a pill popping machine for the next 6-7 weeks! I also have to do my heparin injections 2x a day which means no bikini this summer. (heparin injections leave the tummy black and blue). I have to exercise every day for 25 min between 4-8p and get deep sleep every night between 10p-6a. Attached is a pic of all of the meds I had to buy today. (Heparin and syringes not included in pic). Once this is done I go to the bee keeper in Mesa for 2 bee stings in June.

THEN we can start trying to conceive again.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it all but if it gets me to carry to term I will do it.

 Please Please Please pray this works.

Once I am pregnant I will of course be on heparin again along with prednisone and acyclovir and possibly an antibiotic. He says my body isn’t handling the stress of a pregnancy very well and the vessels are tightening up causing me to lose the babies. Doing this protocol will put my body back in line and get it ready for pregnancy. Once pregnant they will continue doing tests and adjust my meds daily to get me into the 2nd trimester. I may even be on the meds throughout the entire pregnancy.

God I pray this works. This is our last and final attempt. My husband said if we lose another one we are done and will look at another adoption possibly. I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take. We are going on 5 years of this crap and frankly I’m tired of the rug being pulled out from underneath me each time.

Waiting for Tuesday

Blood work came back for Progesterone and it was 18.5 which is way above 3 so I didn't have to do the Birth Control Pills.  Last Tuesday they took 12 vials of blood from me and ran numerous tests.  They are still waiting for 2 more tests so my follow up to go over the the whole panel of results is next Tuesday at 10:15a.  God I pray he has found something that is fixable.  I don't want to be classified as "unexplained."  I want a reason and I want it fixed so I can carry to term and give birth.

Feeling kind of down today.  Hoping the fact that this weekend is Easter will cheer me up. I am so ready for a vacation.  Too bad we aren't going on one until July.  Hopefully by then I will be pregnant and things will be going well :)

So for now I'm Waiting for Tuesday.

Healing Incantation

Sometimes I wish this worked outside of a Disney Movie.

Flower, gleam and glow

Let your power shine

Make the clock reverse

Bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt

Change the Fates' design

Save what has been lost

Bring back what once was mine

What once was mine

New Hope!

After my week of darkness and depression and recieving yet another BFN I decided enough was enough.  I called my first RE and made an appointment with him to go over everything that I have been through in the past 5 years and bring him up to speed on the 5 losses I had after I left his office back in 2008.

He had very good things to say!  He has done a lot more research on recurrent miscarriages and discovered new things in the past 3 years that I can benefit from.  New tests, new treatments, etc.  I had my first ultrasound last Monday and went for blood work to check my FSH level on CD 4.  I surged Sunday morning and was having major ovulation pains on the right side. (which he said is a really good sign) Today I went in for my 2nd u/s so he could measure my lining and see if I was ovulating correctly. 

My lining looked awesome and I had released an egg from my right ovary.  So we can mark that off the list. I am ovulating appropriately and lining isn't an issue. 

Next we went over my first blood test results and my FSH has gone down!  This was exciting news for me because previous doctors have told me that I have the eggs of a 42 year old which sent me into a huge depressed state.  I'm only 31 years old!  So I started acupuncture to lower that number and it has worked!  Anything under 11 is good and I'm a 9.2!!  Needless to say I am ecstatic.  It means that the herbs, the acupuncture, the wheat grass shots, the vitamins, the lack of caffeine....it all means my hard work is finally paying off!  My doc said my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing.  Now we have to figure out what is going wrong once a baby gets in there.

Next Steps: 
This Friday I go in for blood work  to get a serum progesterone blood draw.  They should call me Friday afternoon to let me know the next steps.  Hoping for a good progesterone number.  The next battery of tests he has me taking will be a week from tomorrow.  Tuesday April 12th. (Ironically, our daughter's second birthday)

Test 1: Morning Fasting Labs
PAI-1, LPA, homocycstine, D-dimer, TNH-alpha< TSH, ANA, ATA, EBV, CMV, HHV6Ab, Cortisol,, DHEA-s, FBS, 17OH progesterone, DOC, uric acid, CRPO-hs, cholesterol, and triglyceride panel.

I have no idea what most of these tests are and can only imagine how many vials of blood they will be taking from me but it is comforting to know that he is being very thorough and checking EVERYTHING!

Test 2: That same day I go back for 4pm labs for 1Gf-1 and cortisol.

Whew-  good thing he wrote all of that down for me and it's a good thing I am not afraid of getting blood work done or needles anymore.  Lord knows I have been poked and prodded  millions of times by phlebotomists since we began trying to have a baby back in 2006.

I left his office this morning feeling great, feeling hopeful.  I KNOW I can do this. I just need the right doc to find out what's wrong.  Everything in my body is saying to keep trying and to not give up.   Who knows what 2011 will bring.  Hopefully a successful healthy pregnancy and a live birth in 2012!

The Ones I've Never Met

The Ones I've Never Met

What do you do when you feel so alone? Who do you turn to when no one picks up the phone?

When people are tired of hearing your cries

and listening to the same stories about your millions of good-byes.

When people think you 're crazy for wanting this so bad. They can't possibly understand what it feels like to yearn for that experience everyone else has had.

To go through this life and not give birth seems so unreal
I'm a woman, I was born to do this, to procreate, that's how I feel. 

For so many it seems to come so easily,

Why can't one of those lucky people be me?

When I look in the mirror I wonder if I will ever see

myself rubbing my belly and feeling my precious baby.

Sometimes I wish life was like a Disney movie,

where every one's dreams come true and they all live happily.

The loss is so deep. I can't let it go.

I think about them everyday more than anyone can know.

8 pregnancies lost how could it be?

Will this pain ever leave me, will I ever be free?

The pain is so hard I sometimes wish I could forget

The 8 babies I've lost

the ones I have never met.

-Lisa Watson

3/24/11

*I feel like I have to say this because after I wrote this poem I felt guilty.  My desire to give birth to a baby is no reflection of my love for my daughter Kayla.  SHE IS MY WORLD.  I wish I could take credit for how beautiful she is and say I carried her myself.  I wish I could tell her about the day she was born and show her pictures of her and I just minutes after her birth but I can't.  I met my amazing daughter on July 6th 2009 when she was almost 3 months old. She is a true miracle and my world would be so empty without her. 

Kayla- I love you more than you could possibly imagine. 

The Universe and another BFN

Well the universe interfered with any near future plans I had about adoption number 2.  Monday 3.7.11 my husband dropped our daughter off at daycare and was then involved in a 5 car accident.  Thankfully he was in our truck instead of the car and wasn't injured but our truck wasn't so lucky.  Our almost paid off truck was totalled causing us to have to buy another car.  As much as I love our new car I'm not loving the new car payment.  I was looking forward to saving that extra $400 a month and putting it towards adoption or IVF.  Now we are right back where we started with 2 car payments again.

It's crazy because the night before my husband and I were discussing our future plans.  We were going to pay off the truck and with our taxes maybe pursue another adoption through Lifetime.  We needed 6K to put down and then we would have an additional 6 months to come up with the rest of the funds.  My husband was actually considering the possibility  The next day all of our plans fell apart. 

I have been feeling very sick almost every night so I thought for sure I was going to get a positive this month.  I took at test this morning and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative) and started spotting this afternoon.  3 of my friends just gave birth to little girls this past week. I am so happy for them but I'm so jealous.  After trying for over 5 years and having 8 miscarriages you would think I would finally be the one giving birth.  I want that picture of me in the hospital bed, holding my baby with my husband and daughter smiling next to me.  God I want that so bad I just want to burst into tears.  I'm so incredibly frustrated with my body.  Why won't it just work like everyone elses???

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of praying so hard every day, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of feeling guilty if I eat poorly or miss a wheatgrass shot. I'm tired of going weekly to have needles stuck in me all in hopes of finally achieving that pregnant belly and giving birth.  Man I wish this was something that came easy to me.  I work hard for everything I have and I'm just plan tired.

Feeling Conflicted

Tonight I got home and there was a packet from the adoption agency we used back in 2009 to adopt our daughter.  They are offering us an amazing deal to sign on with them again (by march 20th) to bring home another baby.  I want this sooooo bad!  But I know my hubby is going to say no.  I have this burning desire to have a newborn again and I'm so burnt out on trying this on my own.  Am I just thinking about giving up too soon?

As I sit here at the computer I feel like crying.  I've thought about how to approach my husband about this.  I have even thought about telling him I will give up acupuncture (which would save us $400-$500 a month) buying the wheat grass shots, spending the money on progesterone cream and vitamins, staying in this house I hate as long as he wants, and giving up TTC (trying to conceive) thing altogether.  But then a part of me wonders, Am I giving up on myself too soon?  Or is 8 miscarriages enough?  Where is my breaking point?  Will this offer from our agency come around again in a year or 2 after I've tried carrying to term with acupuncture?  Ugh I just wish I was rich. If I was I would sign back on with my adoption agency AND keep trying for my keeper.

I feel so lost.  I want to have at least 2 children (always wanted 3) and I of course would love to carry a pregnancy to term and do it myself but this opportunity to adopt and bring home another baby in 2011 is here.  I envy those celebrities who can pay for whatever they want sometimes.

My whole plan for 2011 was this:

1. Continue acupuncture (which I have been doing since May of 2010)
2. take wheat grass daily
3. take B12, B6, folic acid, Fish Oil, etc everyday
4. Get pregnant and get to the point of seeing a heartbeat and see if acupuncture can sustain the pregnancy all the way through.

If the above didn't work I wanted to adopt #2 or try a different fertility route.

But now this opportunity has presented itself and it is tugging at my heart strings.

I just want to cry.  Why can't having a baby be easier :'(

BTW month #2 of trying and it was another BFN (Big Fat Negative)

When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”- Unknown

I've been playing around with what to name my blog.  "My Journey to Motherhood" seemed so general and uninteresting.  So I'm going with a quote I found today that is helping me to keep going.  I must admit, I'm wavering.  I'm having doubts, but then something in me silences those doubts and says "what if...  What if the next time works?  What if next time I do carry to term and give birth?"  I just can't give up.

I'm currently in the 2WW  (two week wait) and have been having a very emotional day.  For some reason I just feel like crying.  Not sure why.  I just do.  Maybe it's work, maybe it's where I am in my cycle, maybe it's the challenge of handling a toddler entering the terrible twos!  (Of course I wouldn't change a thing so I won't complain). I love being a momma and that is why I am still pushing forward to carry my first pregnancy to term and give birth.  Adoption has been a wonderful blessing in our lives but I want my daughter to have a little brother or sister.  I want to be a family of 4. 

Does Anybody Even Read my Posts?

Does anybody even read my posts?  Who knows.  But I guess this is a good outlet for me to get my feelings out.  Feeling kind of down today.  What's new right?  I totally thought last month was going to be a BFP but it wasn't.  This cycle I got the surge on CD 11 which is early but we are still going to give it a go.  It's so frustrating.  Nothing is ever on MY timing or MY terms.  I wish there was a genie in a bottle that could grant me 3 wishes.  Obviously we all know what my first wish would be. 

1. To carry a successful pregnancy to term and give birth to a healthy baby
2. to have enough money to do the things my family has always wanted to do

The 3rd wish? I guess I would give it away to someone else who needed it or wish for all of of my family and friends to remain healthy and happy.

No one said life was going to be easy but they didn't tell me it was going to be so damn hard either!  I'm only 31 and I feel like an old lady.  With 8 miscarriages under my belt I feel like I have been around the world and back...the infertility world that is.  I never thought I would know so much about how the female body works or about Chinese Medicine, or the adoption world.  So many people come to me when they have a miscarriage or a question about adoption and I am always willing to help but honestly.... I wish I didn't know so much due to my own experiences.

I feel so lost. Like I'm constantly searching for the answer as to why I can't carry a pregnancy to term.  Is it something I am eating? Drinking? Applying to my skin? Washing my Hair with? Or it something I'm just not doing right?  I wish someone could give me the answer.  Please someone give me the answer!!!

Feb 14th 2011 marks 5 years of my husband and I trying to a successful pregnancy.  5 years.  Don't get my wrong. I am truly thankful for everything I have.  Our successful adoption of our beautiful amazing aughter Kayla and my wonderful marriage are things I don't take for granted ever.

People say if anyone deserves to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth it is me. They say I should be first in line.  But why doesn't God agree?  When will it be my turn?  I've been so patient, I've believed, but in the end I've had my heart broken and stopped on 8 times.  I still remember my first loss.  Laying on the bathroom floor, holding my belly, crying and pleading to God to let me keep my baby.  I will never forget that.  I've heard time can heal almost anything but I just don't know about this one.  Will there ever be a day I don't think about my precious babies that have passed?   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiFTXckh0zU&feature=related (Enya- Watermark)

Almost There!

Well, It's a good thing I didn't write on my blog Sunday or Monday because I was really down in the dumps. I went back and watched Devon's (baby number 3) ultrasound video of his little heartbeat and had a nice big cry. I was just really emotional because our first month of actually trying in 2011 was a bust.  BFN (Big Fat negative).  But today I'm filled with hope.  For some reason I feel like I'm Almost There and I plan on shouting it to the roof tops when I give birth one day.  I added to my Vision Board with more pictures and words of encouragement. 

This song from Princess and the Frog (such a cute movie by the way) gives me hope.  I'm going to keep trying and pushing forward. I CAN and WILL do this.  I wish Happy Endings were as easy to get like they are in the Disney Movies. 

"There's been trials and tribulations

You know I've had my share

But I've climbed the mountain, I've crossed the river

And I'm almost there, I'm almost there

I'm almost there!"

(From Princess and The Frog)